One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 
‘Tie me up,’ she purred, ‘and you can do anything you want.’  
So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. 
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’ 
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’ 
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’ 

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. 
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. 
The optician showed him a card with the letters   
  
 ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’  
‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked. 
‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, ‘I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.’  
‘Thank God,’ said an elderly nun at the back. ‘I’m so tired of chardonay.’

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. 
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 
‘Careful,’ he said, ‘CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They’re going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Ha ve you LOST your mind? Don’t forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!’ 
The wife stared at him. 
‘What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?’ 
The husband calmly replied, ‘I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.’ 

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 
‘How old was your husband?’ ‘98,’ she replied. 
‘Two years older than me’ 
‘So you’re 96,’ the undertaker commented. 
She responded, ‘Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: 
‘And what do you think is the best thing 
About being 104?’ the reporter asked. 
She simply replied, ‘No peer pressure.’

The nice thing about being senile is 
You can hide your own Easter eggs.

I’ve sure gotten old!   
I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, 
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes 
I’m half blind, 
Can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, 
Take 40 different medications that 
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. 
Have bouts with dementia . 
Have poor circulation; 
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. 
Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. 
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, 
I still have my driver’s license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, 
So I got my doctor’s permission to 
Join a fitness club and start exercising. 
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. 
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, 
By the time I got my leotards on, 
The class was over.

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. 
Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? 
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises 
As your coffee maker. 

THE SENILITY PRAYER: 
Grant me the senility to forget the people 
I never liked anyway, 
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and 
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you’re supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are! 
  
Always Remember This: 
You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, 
You grow old because you stop laughing!!

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1., Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,

Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

Finaly the NASA found water on Mars :

Last week I went to a funeral in Holland, never a great moment, but this time also we couldn’t fly to Rotterdam since there was no flight on tuesday, so we went to Brussels, me refusing to put another foot on Schiphol airport Amsterdam. (We had to go to Breda anyway, which is closer.)

Anyway, we came back, no wait…, we were supposed to fly back from Rotterdam, on friday, got up at 6.30 left Breda around 7.30, arrived after trafficjam etc around 9.30, left the car at rentalcarparking, waited, checked in, waited, waited, had to take the bus to Eindhoven, (too much wind in Rotjeknor for the plane to land), so off we go to Eindhoven, 1.5 hours busdrive, waiting there for some stupid passenger who didn’t arrive (went to Eindhoven by himself) so we were back in Nice around 6.30…. 12 hours travelling day… Thanks.

So I just heard this funny joke I wanted to share it with you :

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. “I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.
The rep says, “I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.”
The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

 
Pregnancy Q &A &more!

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time t o get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in n labor?
A: Not unless the word ‘alimony’ means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

‘ESTROGEN ISSUES’

 
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE

 ’ESTROGEN ISSUES’

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5 You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: ‘How’s my driving-call 1- 800-’.
6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from ‘outer space’.
8. You can’t believe they don’t make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY

WOMEN UNDERSTAND

10. Cats’ facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren’t just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One Number One

thing only women understand :

1. OTHER WOMEN